i have been away for awhile and have promised stories of where i have been. here is the first in what is sure to be at least two stories of what has kept me away from all your blogs.
it started out quite by accident. me and a buddy named dante were playing poker with a couple of dim witted swedes. i know that not all swedes are dim witted but these two sure were. the stakes of the last hand were getting pretty high and the swedes didn’t have anymore cash so they threw in two tickets for a cruise that they had one at their office ‘holiday’ party. i thought that i could use a little vacation so me and my pair of jacks said ok. i won. pair of jacks won, i told you those swedes were dumb.
dante was gathering the loot while i was looking at the cruise tickets we had won. turns out we had just 12 hours to get to new york to catch that damn boat. my car isn’t working so we had to hop into dante’s 1982 dodge aries and headed off to new york. our ride their could be a whole story in itself but screw that, this story is about the boat.
we got to the boat and it was a thing of beauty. i guess one of the biggest cruise liners ever built. i don’t know dick about boats but the thing was floating and there was alcohol and women in bikinis onboard so you know i was down with that. dante and i got onboard but the ‘holiday’ tickets were cheap ass and our cabin was not real desirable. i would describe it as being in the armpit of the boat but in reality it was more like in the sweaty cup of the jockstrap of the boat.
i am here to tell you that classism is alive and well today folks. people kind of looked at us funny just because we had cheap as tickets and didn’t have any spending cash and nice clothes. i didn’t think that you needed any onboard cruises but I was wrong, you do need to have clothes when you are on a cruise unless it’s one of those naturalist ones, go figure. the boat had a store onboard so i went off to get something to wear.
when i got out of the shop i bumped into this incredibly gorgeous women. she had long brown hair and wasn’t so damn skinny that all you wanted to do was make here eat ho-ho’s. i could tell that she was really an upperclass type by the really expensive brazilian cut bikini she had on. she smelled of lilac, i don’t know why and never did find out. she had a print out of mentok the mind-taker’s blog and a piece of pumpkin pie so i knew this woman had her stuff together.
like i said i bumped into her when i was coming out of the shop. i bumped into her so hard i knocked her lovely behind rite over the railing. the first thing i thought was, " somebody had to save that beautiful pumpkin pie." i leapt into action and dove for the railing. it was to late to save the pie but the girl was hanging on for dear life. i grabbed her hand and pulled her aboard impressing her with my bearlike yak muscles. she looked into my eyes as i’m sure she was about to kick me in the junk for knocking her over the railing but as soon as she saw my blue eyes she fell in love. i say love but i’m sure it was lust, it usually takes a woman about 15 minutes talking to me before she is seduced into falling in love with my charming self.
we went for a walk around the ship. we talked for hours enjoying the sun and counting the lifeboats (three for the curious). her name was winslet and she was engaged to some pompous wealthy bastard that she didn’t like but she was into all his money so she thought she would just marry him anyway. messing around with women who are spoken for is not normally how i roll but something about her made me say who cares how i roll, i’m getting a little something-something from this babe. i think it was her naughty bits. i’m not saying, i’m just saying.
over the next day we did a bunch of lovey-dovey crap that i won’t bore you with. i romanced her, what can i say i’m a big softy. i would never just hook-up and rub ugly’s with a woman without making her feel special, even if she was just after me because i’m hot. i had to avoid her fiancé because he was a real tool, that and he didn’t want me stealing his woman. he even had his bodyguard threaten me but threatening a yak is like pissing into the wind, it’s just not a smart thing to do.
on the next day winslet took me back to her cabin while her fiance was off getting his back waxed. she showed me all the expensive crap that they had there in there cabin. let’s just say it was a lot nicer than the dump i was in. she was totally into art, they had art all over the room. real expensive stuff to not like the stuff hanging in my house. the ‘art I have hanging in my house is all old signing from my work that i take home instead of letting them throw it out.
while we were looking at her paintings she told me that she was a bit of an artist herself and wanted to draw me naked. i have used this line so many times myself and i know that what she really wanted was to see my willy. i am not one to disappoint so i took off my clothes while she got out her charcoal and paper. i laid down on the couch and she sat down to draw me. it was the single most erotic thing i have ever down. yeah right, but it was cool. she finished and showed me her work, it wasn’t bad but then again i was her subject. after that we made love. i am a gentleman and gentlemen don’t kiss and tell so if you want me to tell you about the love making now, you are in for some disappointment. you’ll have to read it in next month’s "penthouse letters" just like everybody else.
when we were done making whoopie we got dressed and headed to get something to eat. she wasn’t hungry as i satisfied her totally. yak’s are known for our lovemaking ability and i am way beyond the average yak in that department, but i had worked up a bit of an appetite. we bumped into winslet’s fiance on the way and i told him she was with me. he took it hard but didn’t want to piss me off. he wasn’t so tough without his bodyguard. we went to the dinning room and i was just about to take a bite of my pumpkin pie when we felt a huge bump. it turns out that the dumbass captain had hit an iceberg. what a fucking moron.
i grabbed winslet and we ran to try to get aboard one of the three lifeboats we had counted. there were over 2000 people on board the ship and no way were they all going to fit into just three lifeboats. it turns out that there were in actuality more lifeboats than i had counted, yaks are known for our lovemaking not our ability to count. it turns out that there were 8 lifeboats but that still wasn’t going to be enough. i don’t know what the hell the person who designed this ship was thinking, I guess he had never heard of the titanic or something. we were waiting to get winslet onboard a lifeboat when her fiance showed up with his bodyguard.
it turns out that he wasn’t mad about me stealing his woman but was pretty pissed about the ‘wet spot’ we had made on his 500,000 dollar couch. i guess it was apohlstered in whale foreskin and stains pretty easy. these guys were just plain old not smart. i mean the damn ship was sinking and all this jackass and his damn bodyguard could think of was getting a little payback for staining a couch. i kicked both their assess, it wasn’t hard as i have been trained as a ninja. i did let myself get caught up in the heat of the moment and toyed with them a bit. i took to long to dispatch them and because of that the lifeboats were now full and on their way.
winslet and i went to the back of the ship as it was sinking. we held onto the railing as the boat went ass up as it was filling up with water. we must have waited forever but eventually the boat plunged under the water and now winslet and i were treading for our lives. i found a table to get winslet up out of the water so she wouldn’t freeze to death. there wasn’t enough room for both of us though, it looked like only one of us was going to make it out of this alive. she told me that i was the best lover she had ever had and that she would never forget me. this got me thinking. i have lived my whole life by a strict code, so i knocked her off the table, got on myself and paddled away. wondering what that code is? the code is, "it’s all about me".
if this post was to long and would prefer i put posts like this up in parts let me know.
if you were wondering what happened to dante, all i have to say is this is my story not his. screw him.
